no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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