I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
not ubering you a puppy
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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