Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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