im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
