when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
