I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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