My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
