i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
