Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
