i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
