Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
