dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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