You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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