Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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