It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
