im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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