i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
