So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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