i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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