If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
