i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
