She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
