I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
