This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
