HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
