he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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