I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
