So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So many bounce houses so little time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
