I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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