does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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