I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
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