is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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