capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Someone signed my nipple.
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