Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
