went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and she was petting her beer can
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize