After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
