we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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