Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
