mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize