Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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