what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
