Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
