Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
