HIV tests are more positive than that guy
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
