i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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