Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This is the high leading the old right now
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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