he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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