I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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