To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Four minutes until I can fart!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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