I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
