3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
