Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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