apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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