This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
