last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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