You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
