Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
